Modern Times & Hard Rhymes Read online

  I wish that I’d been warned of this

  So that I could get a sign

  That says “oi bitch

  You serve me first

  And you lot get in line”

  I may be knocking on a bit

  I might not be in my youth

  But I’ve something I want to share with you

  Here’s a painful truth

  One day you’ll be transparent too

  And people will not see

  So let us hope when that day comes

  You’re not waiting in front of me

  BRAS

  Why do bras hate me?

  Can someone tell me that?

  I push my boobs in round the front

  They pop out round the back

  I’m sure I line my jugs up, at the start of every day

  But by lunchtime I’ve got one up here

  And the others run away

  The straps dig in, the wires pop out

  It’s such a blooming hassle

  I can’t even start to think

  How you wear a nipple tassel!

  At the airport you can guarantee

  I’ll set off the alarms

  I’m sick of having to show the staff

  My more than ample charms

  All the really sexy stuff is made

  For the girls all slim and trim

  For girls like me with more to see

  We need more…scaffolding

  Oh why do bras hate me?

  I say this every day

  I’ll stay a mess

  I’ll wear a vest

  And throw the chuffs away

  RE-USE

  I've been green instead of buying new

  I will reuse

  which means I found new ways to feed

  my habit of buying bags and shoes.

  I've been on eBay Gumtree tried the lot

  there's real bargains to be had

  and it's so cheap you can get twice as much

  not to do it would be mad.

  There's no need to hit the cheap shops

  for stuff that just lasts a short while

  pay just the same and get quality

  that won't go out of style.

  Why not benefit from those folk

  that wear things once then throw away

  you can't beat that feeling of a bargain

  it really makes your day.

  I know I'm tight and I'm from Yorkshire

  but nothing feels so good to me

  as paying a fiver for a designer coat

  that's BNWT

  Now I wouldn't get everything on there

  Some things are a bit strange

  I mean some people are selling undies

  I would be scared that I'd get mange!

  My greatest purchase ever

  the one with which I have great pride

  is the five pound Biba bag

  that had a tenner zipped inside.

  But I'm serious just have a look

  stop the disposable culture

  but watch out if you're bidding against me

  cause I'm in there like a vulture!

  GAMBLING

  I've seen them ads for online gambling

  so I thought I'd have a go

  but when I got logged in

  there was so much I didn't know.

  I remember as a kid

  my grandad hung out at the bookies

  and came back home with a face

  like someone had kicked him in the chuckies.

  We all knew secretly

  that at times he did quite well

  but he kept it hidden from my grandma

  and so, we didn't tell.

  With him I understood it

  just to win or each way bets

  but now there's BUR and BIP and accies

  and other stuff that I forget.

  It's like a different language

  and way too complicated for me

  I just wanted to put a fiver on to win

  on a big ‘oss at Aintree.

  So, I went down to the bookies

  to ask for a hot tip

  but there were some funny sorts in there

  I really didn't dare let slip,

  that I didn't get the lingo

  going dutching with a Trixie

  I don't even know her

  but it made me worried and a bit twitchy.

  So, I settled for the bingo

  much simpler than them other things

  I'm all set up with me dobber

  and I've got them bingo wings.

  RECYCLE

  I've been trying to recycle

  got the colour coded bins

  I've been washing and categorising

  and remembering which to put them in.

  I know it's for the greater good

  and it makes me feel a good lass

  but once a week all the neighbours can see

  why I've got such a fat ass!

  the pizza boxes piled high

  the bottles go clinky clinky

  I don't think it's a secret now

  that I like a little drinky.

  I wish there was some way

  I could discreetly hide

  all the evidence of junk food

  we have tried to sneak outside.

  But at least I'm not as bad

  as the ones that live next door to me

  judging by what they put out

  they’ve got a short life expectancy.

  With the tinnies and the processed food

  is a wonder they’re still alive

  the bin men had to make two trips

  to get it off their drive!

  But seriously folks let's keep it up

  lets recycle everything

  I’m putting out my other half

  if someone wants to take him in.

  CATS

  Cats are sadists, yes its true

  No one will tell you that

  No one is more perverted

  Thank the cute and fluffy cat

  Forget about your Mr Grey

  Your nipple clamps and straps

  Your cat just wants to torture you

  Humiliated by your cats

  Not only will they hurt you

  Bite you, scratch you, even more

  They make you beg for their affections

  Like a thirsty little whore

  At dinner time they’ll flirt with you

  Give kisses and the like

  But as soon as they have had their treats

  They’ll snub you

  On your bike!

  They test you, try to injure you to see what you can stand

  Like trip you on the stairs

  Or stick their hook claws in your hand

  They wait till you’ve got visitors

  When you’re showing them ‘how cute’

  Then they stop with their affections

  Bite you, then give you the boot

  So why do I put up with them?

  There’s no benefits I can see

  I suppose its cos deep down I know

  They’re really just like me

  So come here my little sadist

  Let us start a little gang

  I’ll kit out the dungeon

  You go find me a hot man!

  DICK PICS

  Oh not another dick pic!

  It’s getting very silly

  I’m going to cry if I have to spy

  One more shrivelled up willy!

  It’s getting awfully tiresome

  You showing me your wares

  You could have at least washed your hands

  And trimmed those pubic hairs

  Please don’t be offended

  Don’t let this come between us

  Its just that I’m not really

  Attracted to your penis

  I don’t want to ‘chat’ or ‘play’

  So I don’t need to see your face
br />   The fact that you just flashed me

  Is frankly a disgrace

  That’s right you are a flasher!

  Not that there’s anything much to flash

  I think you’ll have better luck elsewhere

  If you spend a little cash

  I’m sure the lovely ladies

  On Only Fans or the like

  Would love to see your todger

  But not me, I’m not a bike

  I’m not sorry we have to part now

  Your words aren’t soft and tender

  You’re cheap and tacky matey

  So go do one with your member

  So here’s a plea from all us ladies

  Before you send us all your cock

  All that you’ll be getting

  Is a big report and block

  FREE TO A GOOD HOME

  Does anyone want to run off with me

  And start another life

  My current state

  Is not that great

  But I’ll mek a decent wife

  I’m sort of, almost tidy

  I clean up after missen

  I tek no looking after

  And I’m fast asleep by ten

  I’m quite a happy little sausage

  I don’t like doom and gloom

  And as I’m only 5 foot 2

  I don’t take up that much room

  My cooking skills are middling

  Just trust me and you’ll see

  But if I accidentally poison you

  I’ll take you straight to A & E

  I think you’ll find me lovely

  I don’t whinge and I don’t nag

  And in matters of the bedroom

  I’m a complete and utter…angel

  SHOWERS

  Showers are not self-cleaning

  They get covered in soap scum

  That bounces off your bits

  When you are soaping up your bum

  So do us all a favour

  And give the shower a clean

  We don’t want your bum bits

  We don’t know where you’ve been

  And while we’re in the shower

  Fight the urge to have a pee

  If I’m coming in straight after you

  I don’t want that on me

  And if you take off the shower head

  And put it somewhere new

  Please wipe and put it back again

  But don’t tell me what you do

  If there’s any other shower fun

  You get up to on your own

  Please don’t make a little film

  Or send it on your phone

  Cos rest assured

  Before you give the old chap such an outing

  We won’t be looking at your junk

  Just checking out your mucky grouting

  A YORKSHIRE PUDDING

  I’m going to attempt to write

  A ditty short and sweet

  To help me speak correctly

  So you can understand my tweets

  I know sometimes I may slip in

  A little Yorkshire twang

  But that is only for effect

  This is really how I am

  I say my aitches where required

  And drop the extra tees

  Ah come on you know its bollocks

  I’m common as muck me

  A WORLD FULL OF WAZZOCKS

  The world is full of wazzocks

  They’re everywhere I go

  And I’m sure you will be nodding

  Cos just like me you just know

  The ones that stop-start with their trollies

  When perusing all the food

  Reading all the blooming labels

  Oh, it really is too rude

  I’ll bet they’re the same pillocks

  Who will park right at the side

  Of me, leaving just a teeny gap

  As though I’m one inch wide

  Believe all they see in the papers

  And the politicians’ hype

  If they said so then it must be true

  They swallow any load of tripe

  They think soap operas are real

  And people care about their life

  When they’re standing outside Lidl

  Shouting and bawling at their wife

  Or swinging their screechy children

  By their legs into the trolley

  If it were up to me

  There’d be penalties

  For being such a wally

  But the biggest of offenders

  Whose crimes really are the worst

  Are the ones when making cups of tea

  Put the bloody milk in first!

  HOLES

  Holes consume the internet

  They’re everywhere you go

  You can’t scroll for 5 minutes

  Without seeing someone’s down below

  Which led me onto thinking

  Why the fascination with these gaps

  I’d rather pass the day

  Without a star fish or your flaps

  I’m sure people are queuing up

  To see them in their legions

  But call me a prude

  I think its rude

  To post your nether regions

  I mean there are some holes

  I don’t even want

  My own doctor to see

  Well maybe apart from that new fit one

  But he’s much too young for me

  Between jiggling boobs and twerking buns

  And things thrust in between

  There’s some creative uses for them holes

  Based on the things I’ve seen

  There’s oils and lubes and other things

  Looks like some creamy sort of stuff

  That they moisten their many holes with

  They must suffer from dry chuff

  So call me a stiff or failure

  But I think I’m going to pass

  I don’t want your genitalia

  Or to look right up your ass

  PRIME DELIVERY

  I don’t know about the rest of you

  But the best relationship in my life

  Is with a certain delivery guy

  Who sees me more than his wife

  It’s not that I am lazy

  Well ok, maybe a bit

  But its so easy to add to basket

  That do that real life shopping shit

  A nice little subscription

  Means I never need to leave

  The comfort of my own abode

  Not when I’ve got Steve

  I think that is his proper name

  That’s what it said on his love letter

  I’m sorry you’re not in he said

  Look in the bin for your new sweater

  He likes to leave me little gifts

  But never asks for hugs

  Sometimes he leaves my parcels in the soil

  Where they’re adorned with snails and slugs

  I’ve tried to show affection

  But he’s like lightning on his feet

  He’s up and off away again

  Before I’m out my seat

  I don’t think that there’s a future though

  For me and driver dude

  If he keeps on running away

  We’ll never get to get rude

  I think I’ll shift affection

  To the bloke from DPD

  He’s a bit slower off the mark

  As he’s got a dodgy knee!

  CARBS

  This is a love letter

  To the thing I hold most dear

  And I think you’ll be surprised to know

  Its not chocolate gin or beer

  Its carbs I love with all my heart

  That full up sense of stodge

  From eating half a loaf of bread

  Then feeling sick and podged

  It think it’s an addiction

  I have no self
control

  When it comes to choosing sex or carbs

  I’ll go for the bread roll

  On Friday the anticipation

  Of that pizza and those fries

  You’ll never witness that much love

  EVER in my eyes

  If I were a man I’m sure that it’d give me a proper boner

  But I’ll not complain

  I’ll get my kicks

  From that full on carby coma

  That toast smothered in melted butter

  A jacket tatey full of cheese

  The carby dense deliciousness

  That brings me to my knees

  I know my body suffers

  I have excess insulation

  But carb frenzies keep me safe from harm

  I’ll never suffer from starvation

  So how much do I love these carbs

  The stottie, roll or bap

  Well enough to say

  Stop insulting them

  By calling them such crap

  There’s just one think I need to clarify

  A point I really have to make

  When referring to the think I love

  We call it a bread cake!!

  TROUBLE IN STORE

  Those of you that know me

  Will know how much I deplore

  Going to the supermarket

  It really is a bore

  The creepy secret touchers

  That push against you at the till

  If you get any closer mate

  I’ll have to go back on the pill

  Or the intense bargain hunters

  That seek out yellow labels

  They’ll take your bloody eye out

  For those 10 pence fruity bagels

  I try to avoid all people

  So I’ll go through the self serve

  Its my way of not having to speak

  And keeps your distance from the pervs

  But for some reason when I’m stood there

  Under the red flashing light

  Waiting for authorisation

  Like some lady of the night

  The staff choose to ignore me

  And serve everyone else instead

  Its not like I’m stood glaring

  Like I want to punch them in the head

  But its not just all the people

  That get right on my tits

  Its things like charging 50p

  For a bag for all my bits

  Exploiting all us greedy folk

  Trying to carry more than we’re able