Modern Times & Hard Rhymes Read online

  MODERN TIMES AND HARD RHYMES

  By

  Laura J. Booker

  MODERN TIMES AND HARD RHYMES

  Copyright Completely Different Publishing

  Laura J. Booker has asserted her rights under the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of the fictional characters to real persons is purely coincidental and non-intentional.

  All art and illustrations by K.T. Gore

  Table of Contents

  A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR ............................................................................................... 6

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .......................................................................................................... 6

  INVISIBLE...................................................................................................................................... 7

  BRAS.............................................................................................................................................. 9

  RE-USE........................................................................................................................................ 10

  GAMBLING................................................................................................................................. 11

  RECYCLE.................................................................................................................................... 12

  CATS............................................................................................................................................ 13

  DICK PICS................................................................................................................................... 14

  FREE TO A GOOD HOME....................................................................................................... 15

  SHOWERS.................................................................................................................................. 16

  A YORKSHIRE PUDDING........................................................................................................ 17

  A WORLD FULL OF WAZZOCKS.......................................................................................... 18

  HOLES......................................................................................................................................... 19

  PRIME DELIVERY..................................................................................................................... 20

  CARBS......................................................................................................................................... 21

  TROUBLE IN STORE................................................................................................................ 23

  BACK SEAT DRIVER............................................................................................................... 24

  MUMS........................................................................................................................................... 26

  GLAMOUR PUSS...................................................................................................................... 28

  JUNK FOOD ADS...................................................................................................................... 30

  WHEN LOCKDOWN ENDS..................................................................................................... 40

  CATFISH...................................................................................................................................... 42

  THONGS...................................................................................................................................... 43

  HATERS....................................................................................................................................... 44

  SPIDER........................................................................................................................................ 46

  TABLETS..................................................................................................................................... 48

  UNDIES........................................................................................................................................ 50

  BAG FOR LIFE........................................................................................................................... 51

  EXERCISE................................................................................................................................... 52

  GETTING OLD............................................................................................................................ 54

  FARTS.......................................................................................................................................... 56

  ENERGY PRICES...................................................................................................................... 58

  2 TYPES OF PEOPLE............................................................................................................... 59

  MURDER MOST FOUL............................................................................................................. 61

  PROPER CAMPING.................................................................................................................. 63

  WHY AM I ALWAYS COLD?................................................................................................... 65

  POUND SHOP............................................................................................................................ 66

  BLISTERS................................................................................................................................... 67

  PENCIL........................................................................................................................................ 68

  PLUMS......................................................................................................................................... 69

  MEETINGS ABOUT MEETINGS............................................................................................. 71

  POSH............................................................................................................................................ 73

  YORKSHIRE IS BETTER THAN LANCASHIRE.................................................................. 74

  AVAILABLE................................................................................................................................ 75

  BLIND DATE............................................................................................................................... 77

  THE GYM BUNNY..................................................................................................................... 79

  WAITING TO BE OFFENDED................................................................................................. 81

  DRIVING...................................................................................................................................... 82

  PENIS POACHER.................................................
..................................................................... 83

  TIRED........................................................................................................................................... 84

  THREAD HOG............................................................................................................................ 86

  POP MUSIC................................................................................................................................. 88

  GIMP............................................................................................................................................. 89

  I’VE LOST MY MORAL COMPASS....................................................................................... 91

  SCARED OF THE DARK.......................................................................................................... 92

  LADY OF LEISURE................................................................................................................... 94

  COUGAR..................................................................................................................................... 95

  MILFS........................................................................................................................................... 97

  CHEEK......................................................................................................................................... 98

  MANNERS................................................................................................................................... 99

  RETWEET................................................................................................................................. 100

  POSTIE AND THE BEE.......................................................................................................... 102

  MY CATS LOVE ME................................................................................................................ 103

  TALENTLESS.......................................................................................................................... 104

  KIDS TODAY............................................................................................................................ 106

  BORING..................................................................................................................................... 108

  SEX AND DRUGS AND SAUSAGE ROLLS...................................................................... 109

  IF I WERE A CAT.................................................................................................................... 110

  ANNOYING HEAD................................................................................................................... 112

  RETURN OF THE GIMP......................................................................................................... 113

  THICK AS PUDDING.............................................................................................................. 114

  DRINK........................................................................................................................................ 116

  NO PROFILE PIC.................................................................................................................... 117

  SMOKERS................................................................................................................................ 119

  BLOW UP DOLL...................................................................................................................... 120

  MY BAG..................................................................................................................................... 122

  WORKING FROM HOME....................................................................................................... 124

  FOOD THAT ISN’T FOOD..................................................................................................... 125

  BUGS......................................................................................................................................... 127

  GOING ON HOLIDAY............................................................................................................. 129

  WRONG DEMOGRAPHIC..................................................................................................... 130

  DM SLIDERS............................................................................................................................ 132

  SUMMER................................................................................................................................... 134

  DIET........................................................................................................................................... 136

  MY NEIGHBOUR..................................................................................................................... 137

  ADS............................................................................................................................................ 138

  NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION................................................................................................ 140

  SOMETHING ON THE CEILING........................................................................................... 141

  BORED...................................................................................................................................... 143

  TWITTER IS IN CODE............................................................................................................ 144

  KNOB CHEESE....................................................................................................................... 146

  49 NOT OUT............................................................................................................................. 147

  RIDICULOUS TWEETS.......................................................................................................... 148

  SEASONS................................................................................................................................. 150

  CHEMIST................................................................................................................................... 151

  KIDNEY STONE....................................................................................................................... 152

  NIGELLA................................................................................................................................... 153

  SHOP LOCAL.......................................................................................................................... 155

  MY LITTLE BOOK OF MEDICINE........................................................................................ 156

  MY CAT IS BROKEN.............................................................................................................. 158

  RAMPANT PERVERSION..................................................................................................... 160

  POLITICIANS........................................................................................................................... 161

  LITTLE FLY.............................................................................................................................. 162

  THE ZOO................................................................................................................................... 164

  FOOTBALL IS RUBBISH....................................................................................................... 166

  CRAP BISCUITS...................................................................................................................... 167

  HIDE THE BODY............................................................................
......................................... 168

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR........................................................................................................... 169

  A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR

  I started to pen my little odes during the first Covid lockdown, working from home with little else to do it gave me something creative to do, something I hadn’t done for many years. I started to share my efforts on Twitter and quickly found others enjoyed them too and looked forward to my daily dose of, well…twaddle.

  Twitter is an interesting place, sometimes fun, sometimes nasty, sometimes just plain weird, but it never ceases to entertain me or provide inspiration for my little rhymes.

  People told me to capture these in a book, so here it is. I hope you enjoy them and the ones that made me type this lot up had better bloody buy a copy!

  PS. Just remember to read them in a Yorkshire accent.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Thank you to everyone who made this book possible, my family for being there and making me weird but also keeping me sane, and to all the followers that told me to do this. Special mentions for James Tringham who encouraged me to pick up a pen and write and Peter Murphy my gimp gone rogue whose warped mind constantly provides inspiration, and everyone else whose kind words and encouragement made me get off my arse and do something. Thank you all so much.

  INVISIBLE

  I have a little secret

  One I am going to share

  One day what I was about 40

  I simply wasn’t there

  Somehow I turned invisible

  No longer could be seen

  Men would look right through me

  And shop girls were just mean

  The doors would swing back in my face

  In shops I was ignored

  When people finally noticed me

  They’d act like they were bored

  In queues people barge past me

  At bars I’d dehydrate

  My powers of invisibility

  Simply were too great