Modern Times & Hard Rhymes
MODERN TIMES AND HARD RHYMES
By
Laura J. Booker
MODERN TIMES AND HARD RHYMES
Copyright Completely Different Publishing
Laura J. Booker has asserted her rights under the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of the fictional characters to real persons is purely coincidental and non-intentional.
All art and illustrations by K.T. Gore
Table of Contents
A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR ............................................................................................... 6
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS .......................................................................................................... 6
INVISIBLE...................................................................................................................................... 7
BRAS.............................................................................................................................................. 9
RE-USE........................................................................................................................................ 10
GAMBLING................................................................................................................................. 11
RECYCLE.................................................................................................................................... 12
CATS............................................................................................................................................ 13
DICK PICS................................................................................................................................... 14
FREE TO A GOOD HOME....................................................................................................... 15
SHOWERS.................................................................................................................................. 16
A YORKSHIRE PUDDING........................................................................................................ 17
A WORLD FULL OF WAZZOCKS.......................................................................................... 18
HOLES......................................................................................................................................... 19
PRIME DELIVERY..................................................................................................................... 20
CARBS......................................................................................................................................... 21
TROUBLE IN STORE................................................................................................................ 23
BACK SEAT DRIVER............................................................................................................... 24
MUMS........................................................................................................................................... 26
GLAMOUR PUSS...................................................................................................................... 28
JUNK FOOD ADS...................................................................................................................... 30
WHEN LOCKDOWN ENDS..................................................................................................... 40
CATFISH...................................................................................................................................... 42
THONGS...................................................................................................................................... 43
HATERS....................................................................................................................................... 44
SPIDER........................................................................................................................................ 46
TABLETS..................................................................................................................................... 48
UNDIES........................................................................................................................................ 50
BAG FOR LIFE........................................................................................................................... 51
EXERCISE................................................................................................................................... 52
GETTING OLD............................................................................................................................ 54
FARTS.......................................................................................................................................... 56
ENERGY PRICES...................................................................................................................... 58
2 TYPES OF PEOPLE............................................................................................................... 59
MURDER MOST FOUL............................................................................................................. 61
PROPER CAMPING.................................................................................................................. 63
WHY AM I ALWAYS COLD?................................................................................................... 65
POUND SHOP............................................................................................................................ 66
BLISTERS................................................................................................................................... 67
PENCIL........................................................................................................................................ 68
PLUMS......................................................................................................................................... 69
MEETINGS ABOUT MEETINGS............................................................................................. 71
POSH............................................................................................................................................ 73
YORKSHIRE IS BETTER THAN LANCASHIRE.................................................................. 74
AVAILABLE................................................................................................................................ 75
BLIND DATE............................................................................................................................... 77
THE GYM BUNNY..................................................................................................................... 79
WAITING TO BE OFFENDED................................................................................................. 81
DRIVING...................................................................................................................................... 82
PENIS POACHER.................................................
..................................................................... 83
TIRED........................................................................................................................................... 84
THREAD HOG............................................................................................................................ 86
POP MUSIC................................................................................................................................. 88
GIMP............................................................................................................................................. 89
I’VE LOST MY MORAL COMPASS....................................................................................... 91
SCARED OF THE DARK.......................................................................................................... 92
LADY OF LEISURE................................................................................................................... 94
COUGAR..................................................................................................................................... 95
MILFS........................................................................................................................................... 97
CHEEK......................................................................................................................................... 98
MANNERS................................................................................................................................... 99
RETWEET................................................................................................................................. 100
POSTIE AND THE BEE.......................................................................................................... 102
MY CATS LOVE ME................................................................................................................ 103
TALENTLESS.......................................................................................................................... 104
KIDS TODAY............................................................................................................................ 106
BORING..................................................................................................................................... 108
SEX AND DRUGS AND SAUSAGE ROLLS...................................................................... 109
IF I WERE A CAT.................................................................................................................... 110
ANNOYING HEAD................................................................................................................... 112
RETURN OF THE GIMP......................................................................................................... 113
THICK AS PUDDING.............................................................................................................. 114
DRINK........................................................................................................................................ 116
NO PROFILE PIC.................................................................................................................... 117
SMOKERS................................................................................................................................ 119
BLOW UP DOLL...................................................................................................................... 120
MY BAG..................................................................................................................................... 122
WORKING FROM HOME....................................................................................................... 124
FOOD THAT ISN’T FOOD..................................................................................................... 125
BUGS......................................................................................................................................... 127
GOING ON HOLIDAY............................................................................................................. 129
WRONG DEMOGRAPHIC..................................................................................................... 130
DM SLIDERS............................................................................................................................ 132
SUMMER................................................................................................................................... 134
DIET........................................................................................................................................... 136
MY NEIGHBOUR..................................................................................................................... 137
ADS............................................................................................................................................ 138
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION................................................................................................ 140
SOMETHING ON THE CEILING........................................................................................... 141
BORED...................................................................................................................................... 143
TWITTER IS IN CODE............................................................................................................ 144
KNOB CHEESE....................................................................................................................... 146
49 NOT OUT............................................................................................................................. 147
RIDICULOUS TWEETS.......................................................................................................... 148
SEASONS................................................................................................................................. 150
CHEMIST................................................................................................................................... 151
KIDNEY STONE....................................................................................................................... 152
NIGELLA................................................................................................................................... 153
SHOP LOCAL.......................................................................................................................... 155
MY LITTLE BOOK OF MEDICINE........................................................................................ 156
MY CAT IS BROKEN.............................................................................................................. 158
RAMPANT PERVERSION..................................................................................................... 160
POLITICIANS........................................................................................................................... 161
LITTLE FLY.............................................................................................................................. 162
THE ZOO................................................................................................................................... 164
FOOTBALL IS RUBBISH....................................................................................................... 166
CRAP BISCUITS...................................................................................................................... 167
HIDE THE BODY............................................................................
......................................... 168
ABOUT THE AUTHOR........................................................................................................... 169
A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR
I started to pen my little odes during the first Covid lockdown, working from home with little else to do it gave me something creative to do, something I hadn’t done for many years. I started to share my efforts on Twitter and quickly found others enjoyed them too and looked forward to my daily dose of, well…twaddle.
Twitter is an interesting place, sometimes fun, sometimes nasty, sometimes just plain weird, but it never ceases to entertain me or provide inspiration for my little rhymes.
People told me to capture these in a book, so here it is. I hope you enjoy them and the ones that made me type this lot up had better bloody buy a copy!
PS. Just remember to read them in a Yorkshire accent.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you to everyone who made this book possible, my family for being there and making me weird but also keeping me sane, and to all the followers that told me to do this. Special mentions for James Tringham who encouraged me to pick up a pen and write and Peter Murphy my gimp gone rogue whose warped mind constantly provides inspiration, and everyone else whose kind words and encouragement made me get off my arse and do something. Thank you all so much.
INVISIBLE
I have a little secret
One I am going to share
One day what I was about 40
I simply wasn’t there
Somehow I turned invisible
No longer could be seen
Men would look right through me
And shop girls were just mean
The doors would swing back in my face
In shops I was ignored
When people finally noticed me
They’d act like they were bored
In queues people barge past me
At bars I’d dehydrate
My powers of invisibility
Simply were too great